sui_doll's Journal

10:31pm: You make a friend. You make some more friends. Life is great, you are happy. For once in your life you feel as though you are wanted. You feel you are fitting in and that today.. today you are allowed to have fun. It's your turn to smile, to laugh, to initiate conversation with a total stranger and be confident that they will smile back and laugh with you. Not at you.

You're by yourself again. They didn't care for you. They never did. No one does. Not even you. See - you've really let yourself go.

The anxiety builds up. That familiar feeling of heat searing the inside of your chest creeping up to your throat. You choke, the tears well in your eyes and spill through your eyelashes. You crawl to your bed and curl up into a ball sobbing uncontrollably. You're disgusting.
You've embarrassed yourself once again.
Lauren, you're repulsive.

I hope that you and you and you and you and you had a much better day than I did.

10:50am: I haven't been to school for so long. I've just stopped going. Luckily it's the holidays soon. I'll tell you my calorie count for the last 3 days, I don't post nearly as often as I used to.

Tuesday: 260 calories
Wednesday: 520 calories
Thursday (today) it's 10.45am and i've already consumed.. :185 calories

I might go back to sleep.

8:20pm: I am not a hugging post and I am sick to death of being treated like one. I am the small, quiet one in my group, the one who my friends run to, to seek praise when they are having self-worth issues. I don't mean to sound like a bitch; I'm not. But I cannot stand it when people rub their hands up my back when they hug me. Their fingertips feel like little needles that my conscience shoots out to work as spies. I feel those fingertips taunting me, daring me to flinch and therefore proving that I should feel the guilt I worry about feeling, that I have in fact eaten today and another layer of fat has been tightly tucked over another rib... and do my best not to throw-up when I feel them...


I haven't eaten for exactly 24 hours. Not a very long time for fasters. I don't think I'll say i've been 'fasting'... because that would be cheating, because I just haven't had an appetite. I think the whole idea of fasting is to overcome that painful hunger and longing for food, and since I haven't felt this I am not fasting. I think I will allow myself breakfast tomorrow because I have to go to work.
Wow.. my hair is wet and hanging over my shoulder and it's made a little wet patch on my jumper and it's just over my heart.. and it's in the shape of an upside-down loveheart. Or I suppose you could say it looks a bit like a very fat lady bending over. I prefer the loveheart.
Sorry to ramble on, I always seem to.

12:41pm: Kristi -
Thank you so much. I often curb my thoughts about food and hunger by writing about what I believe to be causing them and what could happen if I give in. My diary is full of all different passages like those. I wonder if anyone else finds writing about your hunger helps wandering hands and mouths stay obedient.

Today is not a happy day for me. The anniversay of an Unhappy Event, if you like. That's why I decided to start my water/green tea fast last night. It's only a small fast, and I should have no trouble not eating anything today because I have to appetite to compete with. I'll end my fasting tomorrow morning at 9. Just 36 hours. I hope this won't lead to excessive and unnecessary eating. I'm usually too scared to fast because of this, but today I'm too scared to eat.

Anyone from AUS-
If you're looking for a 'thinspo' (I really don't like using that word, but at least you all know what I mean when I use it) magazine, I recommend Russh. I have a subscription to it and I just can't put it down. I absolutely adore the Nicola Finetti satin dress on Pg 18. I can't order it because I'm only 15 and I can't get a Visa/Mastercard until I'm 16 and I'd feel bad about spending that much money on myself anyhow.

Thank god I'm not at school today. I hate school more than my step-mother's cooking. My stomach is swelling from so much green tea.

9:36pm: Skipped dinner tonight so I could have 3 small Cadbury Favourites chocolates.
A sacrifice for a sacrifice I suppose. Oh, and I don't feel bad about myself at all. Those little chocolates are going to digest in my stomach, possibly add some fat on to me, give me a little more strength & a sugar fix. A small sugar fix cancels out a large one, right? Right.

8:48pm: I'm just curious about a couple of things.
1: What is an ED-nos?
&
2: WHY THE HELL are dress sizes smaller in Australia? For example, I think a size 6 here in AUS is a size 00 most other places. I don't know. I'm just so confused. When people say they are a size 00 I try to picture them in my head, and if they were a size 00 in AUS sizes they.. wouldn't .. exist. I suppose. I think the lowest size you can have in AUS is 6 before you have to start wearing children's clothes.
Yeah, that's all. :)

Today's Total: 410 calories. Ew. Hanging out for the weigh-in tomorrow guys. It's kind of like The Biggest Loser - Ana Style. Oh gosh. Forget I said that.
x

3:55pm: My sister just came over and forced me to go to macdonald's with her for lunch.
I got a small strawberry frappe and an ice cream cone.
All up that's a total of 355cals and 4.5g fat.
I feel so gross. I just threw most of it up & it tasted like strawberry yoghurt. Sorry. :D
I woke up to go for a jog this morning at 6, but it was raining so i did the craziest thing. I went into this huge cleaning frenzy and cleaned my room & vacuumed it. AT 6 AM! luckily everone else's bedroom's are away from mine so i didnt wake anyone up. Then i went back to sleep at 8 for another 2 hours.
School in 2 more sleeps. I am dreading it so much. I want to be by myself forever, where no one can see me and force me to eat. I just want to be left alone by my friends, i don't want them there constantly forcing food down my throat. I know they love me, and care about me but i'd just prefer to be ignored. When i am ignored, i'm successful.
No love makes a girl thin.
Right now, i've got none.
That's good news.
x

11:21am: as_in_vogue --> hey, if you're looking for tips on purging it really does help to drink a lot of water before you eat, drink lots of water while you eat and then drink a lot of water after you finish eating. Someone posted this a while ago i think. Then when you finish try to shake it all up in your belly (jump, dance, etc) then it's very, very easy to get back up. Goodluck.

I'm looking for a partner or a couple of people to push me to loose weight. I don't want support, i want competition. Someone with similar stats to me, and we'll have a race to see who can lose the most weight / reach their goal weight first, and eventually your long term goal weight. I need people who are really dedicated so i have good competition to motivate me. I'm a very competitive person.

Please let me know if you're interested.
x

6:38pm: New, But Not So New.
Hey, I'm new so I'd thought I'd just share some of my details with you :

YOUR LIVEJOURNAL USERNAME: sui_doll
YOUR AGE: almost 16
YOUR HEIGHT: 164cm (5 "4")
CURRENT WEIGHT: 50.2kg (~ 110 lbs)
LOWEST WEIGHT: 48kg (~ 105 lbs)
HIGHEST WEIGHT: 54kg (~ 119 lbs)
SHORT TERM GOAL WEIGHT: 48kg (~ 105 lbs)
LONG TERM GOAL WEIGHT: 44kg (~ 99 lbs)
HOW LONG YOU HAVE BEEN ANORETIC/BULIMIC FOR (PLEASE SPECIFY WHICH):
Anorectic for about 2 years.

How do you guys handle easter? Me? Not very well!
My main problem is binging. I exercise a lot (the trainers at my gym all know my name and offered me a job there because i'm there so often). My ex-trainer was an anorectic - she's still so tiny now and she's about 30. I'd love to look like her when i'm that age. I've got a pretty small frame, my arms and legs are quite thin but i hate my flabby belly. I do 100 crunches every day and i have done that almost every day without fail for about 2 years. Obviously 100 a day every day isn't enough!
Kisses to you all .. xx